


rollercoaster of love

by col1013



Category: Nashville (TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-04
Updated: 2016-02-20
Packaged: 2018-04-24 17:59:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 20,967
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4929580
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/col1013/pseuds/col1013
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Set mid season 3 and deals with the fall out from the cancelled wedding.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

This started out as a way for me to explain what Rayna was thinking when she called the wedding off to Luke. It has grown bigger than that. It deals with all the highs and lows of season 3. Originally posted at fanfiction.net under same title.

* * *

 

Traffic was always horrible immediately after school drop off, but this morning it seemed worse than usual. This just added to the list of things that had already gone wrong this morning. First it was the alarm not going off, then Daphne had dropped the orange juice all over the kitchen floor, Maddie was her usual sulky teenage self and the dull headache was now threatening to be a full blown 'crawl back into bed and pretend the day hasn't happened' headache.

Drumming her fingers on the steering wheel impatiently, while trying to maintain some level of calm as car horns tooted and people tried to push in front of each other to gain that important extra 2 metres, Rayna punched Bucky's phone number into the hands free.

"Hey Buck, I'm stuck in traffic hell. Looks like I will be here until either I die or a time machine is invented. Can y'all see if you can get Sadie to agree to meet me later."

"Sure Ray, I will give her a call now. I will try to get everything else pushed back or move to another day. There is nothing urgent that needs your attention today, just take it easy and get here when you can."

"Thanks Buck, what would l do without you? Hey, if I'm missing later, promise you will come and get my desiccated body from the car!"

Chucking, "ok Ray, bye" hanging up the phone Bucky begins to reschedule the Highway 65 appointments.

Hanging up from Bucky with a grin on her face, Rayna looks out at the stationary traffic. Rolling her eyes she leans forward and gently bangs her forehead against the steering wheel. Pushing her hair out of her face in annoyance she turns the radio up, thinking if she is going to be stuck here for all eternity she may as well listen to what is consider music now days. Five minutes later, blowing out a grunt of disgust at the lack of good music, Rayna finally settles on a re-run of Watty's previous afternoons radio show.

"Ladies and gentlemen, that was the late and great Patsy Cline with 'Crazy'. As you know Juliette Barnes will be portraying her in the movie 'Patsy' due to be released later on this year. Bringing us back to the present, the next artist up I am proud to call a friend. I have seen this guy blossom from a young and talented guitar player to a brilliant song writer. I am pleased to see that he is finally stepping forward and recording his own music. This guy seriously has so much talent, not just as one of Nashville's most talented guitar players but he has also been a major contributor to many of the hit songs from one of my favorite artist, Rayna James.

Yep Mr Deacon Claybourne has finally stepped forward and is show casing his many talents. If you haven't already checked out his latest album, 'Live at the Bluebird' go grab it. Available on vinyl, which I might add, gives a whole new dimension to his sound. It's produced by the very talented Avery Barkley. Here is the song he did at the Live Broadcast for NPR, "I know how to love you now".'

Knowing that Deacon had written this for her and pleaded for her to come to the Bluebird THAT night, Rayna's hand trembled as she went to change stations. She wasn't sure if she was strong enough to hear Deacon's confession of his love for her in song. Before she could change stations, Deacon's soothing voice was beginning to caress her battered heart.

" _My broken promises broke your heart_

_Time and time again_

_I let everything fall apart_

_I was such a fool back then_  
_But you loved me once I know_  
_So many sorrys ago_  
_So here I am_  
_And I just pray_  
_That you will listen long enough_  
_To hear me when I say_  
_This brand-new man won't let you down_  
_If you let me show you_  
_I know how to love you now_  
_There was a time when I held your hand_  
_I would have died to keep you safe_  
_That's why it kills me that I'm the man_  
_That put those tears on your face_  
_I don't blame you for moving on_  
_And maybe all of my chances are gone_  
_But here I am and I just pray_  
_That you will listen long enough_  
_To hear me when I say_  
_This brand-new man won't let you down_  
_If you'll let me show you_  
_I know how to love you now_  
_I see that look in your eyes_  
_You're scared_  
_And I understand why_  
_So am I_  
_But here I am and I just pray_  
_That you will listen long enough_  
_To hear me when I say_  
_This brand-new man won't let you down_  
_If you'll let me show you_  
_I know how to love you now_  
_Girl, let me show you_  
_I know how to love you_  
_Now..."_

Rayna smothered a sob that was threatened to escape, as the tears freely poured down her face. Her heart was aching and it felt like it was about to shatter into a million pieces. Deacon had always been about to express himself through his music, and at the moment he was telling Rayna that he was now the man that she had always known he could be.

This time the sobs escaped as Rayna thought of Deacon waiting that night at the Bluebird for her. Him finally realising that she had chosen someone else over him…again. Burying her face in her hands, she frantically tried to get her breath back but she was on the verge of hysterical crying. "What had she done to him? …What she had put him through?" The sobs and harsh gasps for air picked up as Rayna wrapped her arms around herself and felt the pain she had inflicted on Deacon not only for the whole Luke circus, but for lying to him about Maddie. Rayna still felt an enormous amount of guilt for losing faith in Deacon, for not being there for him when he walked out of rehab for the fifth and final time. It didn't matter how many people told her that she had to let him go. That she couldn't continue prop him up that he needed to beat his demons on his own.

It hurt to know that that was the first time of many when Rayna had deliberately created barriers between them, each under the pretense of protecting herself from the uncertainty of loving Deacon. When in reality it was to prevent Rayna from being engulfed by their volatile love for each other. She had become too good at erecting barriers to protect herself. The barriers weren't there to protect her from the pain associated with loving Deacon. Rather she was terrified of the all encompassing love that existed between them. She didn't think she was strong enough to survive if it failed. Back then it was her fear that Deacon would wind up dead and she would have to go through the motions of life without him.

Once she had Maddie and later Daphne she knew that no matter what, she would have to be able to continue if something happened to Deacon, so just kept him at arm's length. Having Deacon in her life terrified her but no where as much as not having him in her life. It was this that finally made her realised that she couldn't marry Luke. Sure there were a lot of other issues that surfaced but the nail in the coffin was her realising that Luke would demand that she cut Deacon completely out of her life. While she was married to Teddy, she could keep Deacon near through their music but Luke was no Teddy. He wouldn't look the other way while she had an emotional affair with Deacon.

Slowly the outside world began to seep into the car. Rayna could hear car horns and people yelling for her to move her car. Frantically, wiping her eyes she could see that traffic was beginning to move again. Taking a couple of deep breaths, she pulls down the visor to assess the damage. "Ergggh!" Wiping the mascara away from her blood shot eyes, she resided herself that she would be walking into the office with a red nose and puffy eyes that just screamed that she has been crying. If she was lucky everyone would just assume she was upset about the latest tabloid story featuring Luke and whatever bimbo was hanging off his arm.

Rayna left her aviator sunglasses on as she walking in the offices of Highway 65. Bucky looked up with concern written over his face. "Ray? Are you ok?" Nodding, Rayna attempted to make her voice sound as normal as possible and not scratchy from crying. "Ye Buck, just been one of those mornings. I'm going to head back to the studio. Send Sadie through when she arrives ok?" Bucky watched as a clearly upset Rayna headed pass the offices.

Pulling open the door to one of the mini studios they had set up, Rayna took a deep breath as she let the dark interior embraced her. Dropping her bag as she walked in, she struggled to get her jacket off. Her scarf quickly joined the piles of items on the floor. Walking in circles around the studio shaking her hands trying to get herself to calm down, Rayna could feel her breathing rapidly increasing. "Oh god! Not here. Not at the studio, please don't let me break down here." She continued to walk until she felt her breathing return to normal. Stopping in front of her bag, she dug out her tablet. Making herself comfortable on the couch, she went to the NPR website and brought up Deacon's performance at the Bluebird. She had to know if what she imagined was worse than reality. Rayna quickly regretted viewing the video, reality just broke her heart all over again. Seeing the hope in Deacon's face every time someone walked in and then the hurt of realisation when it turned out not to be Rayna. Silent tears of grief caressed Rayna's face as she watched Deacon pour all his hope into the words he sang, laying his love for her open for all to see.

The tears continued to silently fall even after multiple viewings of his performance. So engrossed in watching the screen Rayna failed to notice the door open and Sadie enter the studio. "Ummm Rayna are you ok?" Sadie asked, concern written all over her face. "Bucky said to come on back, but I can come back later if you want."

Sniffing, she whispered "I'm a horrible person. I just keep hurting him over and over again, and he continues loving me. Why? Why doesn't he hate me?" Burying her head in her arms she whispered, "He should."

"Who? Luke?" Sadie asked, clearly confused to see the normally unflappable Rayna visibly upset about something. She was wondering what Luke had done to upset Rayna so much. Putting an arm around her, Sadie just hugged Rayna. Straining to catch the muffled response from Rayna, Sadie could hear a name being said "Deacon".


	2. chapter 2

Sadie sat down across from Rayna as she struggled to get her sobbing under control. "Rayna, why he hate you? Why would anyone hate you?"

Hiccupping, Rayna snorted her response. "Ask Luke, I'm sure he will be able to give you an extensive list of why he hates me." Another sob escapes as her voice wavered "And Deacon should hate me. What…what I've done to him. I hate what I've done to him." Silent tears continued to run down her face as Sadie moved to sit next to her mentor wrapping an arm around her. Making soothing noises, Sadie rubs calming circles on her back as Rayna leans forward and covers her face with her hands. Sadie is a little bit unsettled seeing Rayna so upset. This was a woman who has a backbone of steel. Sadie had heard a lot about her taking on the music executives when they tried to push her music career into a corner, and she had seen first hand Rayna take on Sadie's own ex husband. Something major must have happened for the normally unflappable Rayna to be so upset in a public setting.

Rayna's sobs of pain were decreasing in severity as Sadie continued to make calming noises. Looking down at her feet, seeing a tablet poking out from underneath the table piped her interest. Looking sideways at Rayna, Sadie reached out to snare it, hoping it will give her some insight to Rayna's current emotional state and hopefully a way to help her. She sees that the current web page was NPR's last live performance at the Bluebird. She remembers people in the industry whispering about the performances but didn't pay to much attention as she was still trying to juggle her career and the barely healed scars of her disastrous marriage.

Turning the sound right down, so that she could barely hear it, Sadie hit play. Watching Deacon lift his eyes hopefully towards the door every time someone walked in and then the hurt flashing across his face when the person he was hoping for didn't appear, made Sadie's heart clench. Rayna's current state was making sense now, more so after Sadie listened to the heart breaking lyrics that Deacon was currently singing. His heart was breaking with every word he sang and seeing the realisation that Rayna was not going to walk through the door, it was almost enough for Sadie to join Rayna with her tears.

Hearing Rayna sniffing and hunting in her bag for tissues brought Sadie back to the present. Quickly turning the tablet off and sliding it back under the table she turned her attention to her left. Rayna was wiping under her eyes trying to make herself presentable. Clearing her throat she turned to Sadie "thank you". Examining her fingers while playing with her rings Rayna looked uncomfortable, like she wanted to say something else but didn't know how to begin. "I don't know what that was. I….. I don't know what is happening with me today."

"Rayna you have nothing to explain, especially to me." Rayna continued talking, appearing not to have heard Sadie. "I have been avoiding that song for months. Maddie came home after seeing Deacon at the Bluebird that night. Her face was full of such sorrow and her voice when she told me about his song….God. I didn't need to hear the damn song, every emotion was coming out as Maddie described it. So I shut it out ….pushed it so far down and locked it away in my mind with a little label 'never to be opened'. Then this morning, before l knew it, Deacon was pouring his heart out to me and I just lost it. There I was sobbing my eyes out stuck in traffic." Rayna quickly looked up at Sadie before continuing "and then I knew, I had to watch the video." Twisting the tissue between her fingers, Sadie silently gasped as she caught the pain behind Rayna's eyes. Whispering Rayna confided to Sadie "I don't think I can forgive myself for causing him so much pain and even if I can, I don't understand how he can forgive me. Hell I don't understand how he can still love me after everything I put him through."

"Rayna, I don't understand the entire history of you and Deacon, but judging from THAT song, that man has not only forgiven you but he is still totally in love with you. I think you need to talk to him and start forgiving yourself. If Deacon has forgiven you surely you can ease up on yourself!"

"I wish it was that easy. Me and Deacon, we have this…" Rayna waves her hands around searching for the right words "… I don't even know what we are anymore. We circle each other, testing the waters, each of us edging closer until one of us comes dangerously close to crossing that line and then we recoil back to begin that slow dance again. That's our history, that's what we have done for the last 15 years, I don't know how to do it any differently and it scares me to death to think about taking that step across that line because the one time I did I almost died."

Sadie slowly nods her head contemplating what Rayna has told her, hesitantly she suggests to Rayna "don't you think you both deserve to try to reach for happiness again?"

Rayna's eyes search around the room, never settling on one thing for long "Hmmm, I don't know….maybe."

"Oh, there is no maybe. I know for sure!" Changing the tone of her voice, Sadie teasingly asks Rayna "You know what you need?"

"No, what do I need?" Rayna asks with slight hint of laughter tingeing her voice.

"You need three things"

"HA! I only need three things?" Rayna splutters.

Sadie nods as she holds up three fingers as she begins to list them. "One, a girl's night out, two, alcohol and lots of it, and three, karaoke preferably bad karaoke!"

Grinning at Sadie, "And when is this miracle cure meant to occur? I have a hundred things I have to do here, not to mention the girls and let's not forget the fallout from the whole wedding thing"

Looking at her watch Sadie wickedly grins at Rayna "Tootsies just opened and I believe they have a huge arse cocktail with your name written all over it!"

"Do they just?" Rayna's smile slowly growing as she contemplated ditching her life for the day. "Ok, let's do it. Just let me make sure Bucky has cleared my schedule"


	3. Chapter 3

"Avery" Deacon nodded as the door was opened "Juliette summoned me."

"Ye, sorry man, she's a bit antsy being cooped up all the time."

"Which is why I also come baring treats to please the mother to be" Deacon said with a grin holding up a bag of pastries from 'Bite Me'.

"Smart man! She's out back, make you way through. I'm on my way to rehearsal… Hey did Scarlett tell you about our gig tonight?"

Deacon nodded as he picked up his guitar and tucked the sweets safely under his arm, "Yep"

"Ye it's our first solo outing since we formally became The Exes, if you are free you should come. I know Scarlett would like to see a friendly face tonight."

"Well I wouldn't want to miss seeing The Triple X's in their first solo outing, would I?" Deacon laughingly said over his shoulder as he manoeuvred through the door.

Avery grimaces at the mention of the name, thinking to himself that they are never going to get rid of that slightly pornographic name.

"Juliette!" Deacon stands and looks at her. "Look at you"

"Don't say it!" Juliette snaps "I look like I have swallowed a beach ball and don't you even say that I'm glowing. That's just a polite way of saying I'm all gross and sweaty. I can not wait to have this baby, it's like walking around with a winter coat on in the middle of summer AND don't get me started on how I haven't seen my feet in forever"

Deacon chuckles as he puts his guitar on the couch and heads over to the expectant mother. "Now is that anyway to treat your delivery boy?" he says holding out the pastries.

"Get them away from me! I already look like a short; round ball I don't need any extra help in that department. What I need is your song writing magic. This damn baby is not only pressing up against my diaphragm preventing me from finishing my album but she has turned my brain to mush" Juliette states as she rips the baked goods from Deacon's hands and throws them onto the bench before stalking over to the bar stool positioned in front of the microphone. Struggling to bend down, she grabs her notebook that she had thrown on the ground in a fit of anger. "This is what I have so far…I don't know where it's going but can you have a look and see what is missing. I swear I am never having another baby, this one is enough. Between the constant kicking of my blabber and me now waddling, I for one cannot wait to get back into the studio. I am so sick of being trapped in this house."

Deacon wisely keeps quiet as Juliette continues to vent her frustrations about being house bound and pregnant. He skims over the lyrics that are on the page, his mind finding a sweet melody to go with the words. "You know Juliette this isn't as bad as you are making out. If you swap these verses around" pointing to the lyrics on the page "and maybe add part of the chorus to finish off, I think it will work. Do you want to try it out?"

Juliette's eyes glisten with tears and not trusting her self to talk, she nods and hops up onto the stool while discreetly wiping her eyes and cursing pregnancy hormones. Placing the now familiar embroidered leather strap of his guitar over his head, Juliette watches as her friend readies himself to play. Smiling sadly to herself, she wonders how he is really going. To ask him, he would state that he was fine but only a true friend would notice how tired he looked and that he was giving off a vibe of intense sadness.

Juliette, like everyone else in Nashville, had heard about Rayna breaking off the wedding of the year and like everyone else she just assumed that Deacon and Rayna would find their way back to each other. She wonders why that hasn't happened. Knowing those two like she does, it is probably because they are both as stubborn as each other and neither was willing to make the first move. Rolling her eyes internally, she thinks they need to sort themselves out and finally get together. If not for their own sake, at least to halt the ugly fallout that occurs whenever people stupidly get caught up in loving either one of them. Yep, she was going to force Deacon to confront his feelings for Rayna, get him to grow a pair and do something about it.

* * *

The next couple of hours Juliette and Deacon fine tune the song, when they are both satisfied with it they are shocked to notice how dark it has gotten outside. Standing up and stretching her back, Juliette eyeballs the discarded pastries. "You want a coffee or something?"

"Tea?"

Snorting at Deacon "Since when do you drink tea?"

"Scarlett got me onto it when she was on one of her health kicks. I found out the hard way that when she is on a health kick, I am also! The downside to sharing with someone I guess." Deacon laughingly states.

Juliette picks at the Danish while waiting for the kettle to boil, trying to work out the best way to approach Deacon about Rayna. In the end she decides to just ask him, after all they have known each other long enough to be blunt with each other. "What's going on with you and Rayna?"

Deacon's eyes go wide as he stutters out "I don't know what you mean. I haven't seen her in weeks."

Rolling her eyes in disgust and blowing out a frustrated sigh, "Come on Deacon, I know better than most how tangled up with her you are, even when you two aren't 'together' you are 'together'" Juliette uses air quotes to emphasis her point. "I don't know the reason why she called off the wedding but I'm willing to bet that it's a 6 letter word, beginning with D and ending in N! No before you plead your innocence, I KNOW even if it's not the main reason it would be a pretty large part of the reason. You both can deny it all you want, but…. But you are so wrapped around each others lives that even when you are apart you are still together. Now spill, what the hell is going on?"

"Juliette I haven't seen Rayna since the night she called the wedding off. I don't know what you want to hear but she is living her life and I am living my life" Deacon states as he storms over to his guitar case.

"So you saw her after she announced to the world that the wedding of the century was off. What did she tell you?" Deacon shakes his head as Juliette continues to talk at him. "And why the hell aren't you out there fighting for her? You CANNOT tell me that you don't love her, that you both aren't in love with each other. Hell I can still feel the sparks on my skin from the waves of electricity coming off you both the night you sang 'No one will ever love you' at the Bluebird. That so pissed me off that night. I wanted you to notice me but NO, there you both were, so damn wrapped up in each other that I honestly don't think you realised the entire audience was hypnotised by your passion. Then you both continued to deny that connection to everyone and even worse, to yourselves. It broke my heart that night, and every other time you both continued to deny yourselves." Holding a hand up to prevent Deacon from answering back Juliette continues. "I know that it's a complex relationship but for god sake why would you not be together especially now when you are both free?"

"Juliette, you don't know what you are talking about. What Rayna and I had back then is in the past, and what we have now…. Well that's complicated and I'm certainly not going to discuss it with you!"

"Why the hell not! It's not like I haven't witnessed first hand what you and Rayna are capable of doing to each other. You need to do everyone a favour and sort your shit out. Because it's not fair that you both create collateral damage along the way as you continue to deny what you have. You can not seriously tell me that there is anyone else for you…can you? Go ahead Deacon, deny it. Lie to me, lie to yourself. You can't, can you? So once again, why the hell aren't you over there fighting for you and Rayna? Or do you only make that grand jester once you are sure that she can't possibly act on your actions?"

Pointing a finger at Juliette, Deacon's fury is evident in the angry tone of his voice "YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT. THERE IS NO ME AND RAYNA. WHAT WE HAD IS DEAD AND BURIED IN THE PAST. THAT IS WHERE IT HAS TO STAY I'M DONE CAUSING HER ANY MORE PAIN."

"YOU ARE AN MORON…NO YOU ARE NOT ONLY A MORON, YOU ARE A DEAF AND BLIND MORON" Juliette screamed back at Deacon. "EVEN YOU CAN'T BE BLIND TO THE FACT THAT YOU GUYS WILL NEVER, NOT BE IN EACH OTHERS LIVES."

Taking a deep breath, "Juliette, I appreciate what you are doing but it is better for everyone that we continue to keep our distance. We are toxic to each other. Everyone always told me that Rayna was an addiction to me and I never believed them, till now. She is better off without me and my complications in her life. It's a good thing that she is taking time to be on her own since cancelling the wedding. She will figure out that we are no good for each other. She will be better off with out me. Rayna and the girls would be better off just forgetting me and all the pain I caused in their lives." A sorrow enters Deacon's tone, as he quickly remembers that he is on borrowed time, that without a new liver he has 6 months to live. "I am done hurting Rayna and those sweet girls. I wish to god that she had married Luke, cause then she would be happy and taken care of. That is all I want. I want her to be happy."

"Deacon NO! What are you talking about? What ever reason is behind the break up, I'm certain that a large part is due to the fact that Rayna finally worked out that it's you that makes her happy, and those girls love you. I saw them with Luke they tolerated him in their lives but you… they come alive when they see you. You are as much a part of their hearts as they are for you." Juliette begins to pace as she waves her hands around, struggling to find the right words to counter the shock that has engulfed her at Deacon's declaration. "And…..and you can't be serious! You cannot be telling me that you are just going to walk away from the other half of your soul? I don't accept that, something is going on and you might not want to talk to me about it but I know you cannot live without Rayna in your life…. I have seen you try to do without her. You can deny it to yourself all you want but I know you will both see the truth eventually. Until then, you are an idiot for not grasping at happiness with both hands."

"Juliette you just focus on having a healthy baby and forget about me." Deacon states with a hint of sorrow. Deacon places a tender kiss on Juliet's forehead, ignoring her stunned look. "You look after yourself, let me know how the rest of the album goes. I'm going to head off, told Avery that I would drop in and see them play"

Juliette stares at the retreating back of Deacon, a stunned look on her face. She never thought she would see the day when Deacon Claybourne would give up on Rayna Jaymes. Slowly lowering herself onto the couch and rubbing her baby bump, she was now even more convinced that he was hiding something from her. Whatever it was, she was going to find out and make it right. Deacon was her friend, at times in the past her only friend and he deserved all the happiness in the world. Rayna had somewhere along the way also become her friend, though Juliette was still a bit weary of their friendship, there was no denying that Rayna would be there for her through tough times. Knowing that she had forced Deacon to examine his actions Juliette closes her eyes and begins to hum 'A life that's good', hoping that it was on the cards for Deacon and Rayna.

* * *

Deacon threw his guitar onto the passenger seat and slammed the door to his truck closed. Punching the steering wheel he cursed Juliette. Damn her! Damn her for forcing him to talk about Rayna. He could live with his decision to distance himself from her if he didn't have to think about it. It also made it easier knowing that Rayna was keeping her distance while she worked things out. Deacon knew that Scarlett thought he was mad for not telling Rayna about his illness, but he couldn't do that to her. She had dealt with enough hurt caused by him in the past he wasn't going to force her to go through that again now.

Focusing all his anger and hurt at his current situation Deacon gripped the steering wheel with both hands and shook it while lambasting the irony of his life. Finally when they were both free to act on their undeniable connection their past, well his alcoholic past anyway, once again has come back to haunt them. Deacon wasn't sure what made him angrier, him for causing this disease or Rayna for not pursing happiness with Luke. He liked to think that he could get through whatever happened with him in regards to the cancer, if he knew Rayna was being taken care off and happy. The sadness that embraced him when he thought about Rayna having to deal with his cancer and the end result just made him that little bit more determined to push her out of his life. It wasn't fair to her or the girls that his dark past continues to cause them heart break.

Starting the truck Deacon heads downtown towards the club that Scarlett is playing at tonight. It will be a welcome break seeing Scarlett living life and having fun rather than her worrying about him. It also meant for a couple hours tonight he didn't have to think about his illness or the ache in his heart whenever he thought about not having Rayna in his life.

**** All rights to the songs mentioned belong to the writers and ABC.


	4. chapter 4

Sadie pushed open the door to Tootsies with a wicked grin on her face. Turning to Rayna "this is exactly what you need to forget for a while."

Rolling her eyes at her kidnapper Rayna smirked back "ye, sure this is going to make all my troubles disappear!"

"HA! Well maybe not forever but definitely for a while. Now, name your poison woman, otherwise I will get you the biggest nastiest cocktail they have on the menu."

"First you abduct me and now you're threatening me!" Rayna laughingly says as she quickly glances around the surprisingly empty club. "I'll take a scotch, neat. Booth or table? Booth?," pointing to the back corner.

Nodding, Sadie makes her way to the bar, once there she turns to watch Rayna weave her way around the empty tables on the way to the back of the club. Sadie notices that even though she was trying to put on a brave face, Rayna was still struggling. Mentally putting on her determined face, Sadie was going to get Rayna to admit that she was miserable without Deacon and even though it was scary, she needed him in her life. Grabbing their drinks Sadie heads into the darkness that was Tootsies at 3pm on a week day afternoon.

Rayna surveyed the room as she waited for Sadie to join her at the table. It had been a long time since she was last in Tootsies. She used to be a frequent visitor. First with Deacon and then when she was frantically trying to find him after a binge and was forced to carry him out. Sighing, she never realised JUST how intertwined her and Deacon's lives were and how many memories this town held, both good and bad. Sadie placing the scotch down in front of her interrupts any further contemplation of the past. Sadie lifts her glass up for a toast. "To embracing our past so that we can have a shiny future."

"Cheers to that" Rayna clinks her glass against Sadie's and welcomes the warmth of the scotch as it caresses her throat.

"That's a pretty hardcore drink for someone who confesses to not be a big drinker. I'm not going to have to call a taxi for you after one drink, am I?"

"Noooooo. This is a throw back to the good old days. The advantage of dating an alcoholic, you learn quickly to hold your liquor. Besides I need something stronger than wine, especially after my melt down."

"Rayna, you are allowed to let it all get to you. You have had so much to deal with recently. You can't always be the strong one"

"Hmmm, if I don't keep the happy medium going in my life it is all liable to combust" a dejected Rayna confesses. Sadie reaches across the booth, gently squeezes her hand and gives her a reassuring smile. "Hold that thought, we are going to need more drinks and peanuts, yep this definitely calls for peanuts." Sadie scoots out of the booth and makes a v-line back to the bar.

Swirling the scotch gently around the glass, Rayna takes another sip as she feels the distant memories rushing to the forefront. She wasn't completely honest with Sadie when she said it was a throw back to her younger reckless days. Scotch reminds her of Deacon. The heady mixture of Deacon and scotch always made her loose her inhibitions. Whenever Teddy or Luke drank scotch, she would beg off and confess she hated the taste of it and force them to switch drinks. Scotch always made her think of Deacon and it wasn't fair to any one if she was thinking of her lost love while proclaiming to being in love with them. A wave of desire rushes over her as she licks her lips tasting the residue of scotch .God she can still taste the combination of scotch and Deacon on her tongue. She feels her skin becoming flushed and her heart beating faster. A slight moan escapes from her parted lips. GOD! Maybe she does need to go back to drinking wine, if just the act of drinking scotch had this effect on her. Rolling her eyes at the pathetic state she finds herself in, she frantically tries to calm her escalating desire down before Sadie comes back.

"Right, we are now ready for a big session." Sadie dumps a bowl of peanuts in the middle of the table along with more drinks. Rayna clears her throat, grabs some peanuts and looks anywhere but in Sadie's direction while willing the tell tale flush to disappear from her skin.

A few hours later and a lot of drinks later Rayna and Sadie had covered all the polite topics between them and were both eyeing each other off, seeing who would be the first brave one to broach the unasked. Looking down at the almost empty glass, Rayna clears her throat before asking "How did you meet your ex husband." Sadie looks both relieved and scared that Rayna had taken the plunge.

"Ummm, we knew each other at high school but I guess we didn't really connect until a couple of years later." Using the straw to stab the ice in her drink, Sadie takes a breath before continuing to unburden the painful history of her marriage. "He swept me off my feet. He was so charismatic. He treated me like a rare treasure and that he was the luckiest man in the world just being with me. Things moved quickly after that, I fell so hard for him. Before I knew it we were married and that is when he changed."

Shaking her head, Sadie predicted what Rayna was about to ask. "No he didn't start abusing me then, well not physically at least. It was little changes at first, so small that I just waved them off, thinking I was just being stubborn. Like…he encouraged me to cut back my hours at work so that I could be at home for him. Which considering it was a dead end shitty job I didn't really mind. Besides we were talking about having kids and he thought it would be good if he focused on his career before kids came along. He wanted to be the next Billy Ray Cyrus."

Rayna chokes on her drink as a laugh explodes out of her mouth. "Hey come on now, he was cool… in the day!" Sadie grins back at Rayna, "Anyway things didn't go to plan for him. To be honest he didn't have much talent. Not that that stops anyone now days, but back then you had to at least be able to hold a tune. I was so wrapped up in my little love bubble, that I didn't notice how talent less he was. I tried to help as much as I could. I had always loved writing in school so I started writing songs for him. This just made it worse. The lack of success made him bitter and well…" Sadie sculls the remainder of her drink and slams the glass on the table "…that was when the violence started."

Shaking her head, Sadie pushes her hands through her hair as she continues. "God, I'm such a cliché for domestic violence. First was it just a push out of the way when we fought, then he would grab my arms and shake me in frustration, the biggest shock was when he first slapped me. Think we were both horrified, and god he was so loving and remorseful afterwards. As you can predict, that didn't last long. He had me so convinced at that stage that I couldn't live without him that I forgave him over and over again and stayed. He didn't hit me all the time, in fact it was pretty rare I guess compared to most cases. It was enough though to undermine my confidence. What saved me from that familiar ending of so many domestic violence victims, is his lack of employment." Sadie kept her eyes on the glass in front of her, her hands tearing the beer coaster as she continues to relive the past.

"I picked up another crumby job, this one at the local bar which had an open mic night. Before I knew it, I was helping some of the regulars out with lyrics and when I was home by myself I would work on my own songs. One night a regular couldn't make it and I took the plunge and went up on stage and performed. I was hooked, I had finally found a place where I was not only at home but accepted."

Rayna by this stage had tears in her eyes. She had no idea that her friend had faced so much in her life. Wiping her eyes, she nodded and with a croaky voice "Music is like that for me as well. I never belonged in my Daddy's world and it felt so right when I was finally brave enough to get up on the stage."

Sadie gave a small nod to acknowledge that she had heard Rayna, but now that she had started to open up about her marriage she felt the need to continue without interruption. "I should have known that the joy couldn't last. We went out to celebrate my birthday and ended up at the bar. My friends didn't know what I was dealing with at home, so when they dragged me up on stage they had no idea how it would impact me later. I was singing and writing for fun, never really thinking it would go anywhere, little did I know that that night there was a scout in the audience. Thank god I didn't know, because I was pretty wasted and it definitely wasn't a stellar performance. But my darling husband seized any opportunity that came his way. So after the scout approached me about laying down a track that was when he pounced and got me to sign that damn bar napkin."

"Who would have thought that a napkin would come back and haunt me years later, though I guess knowing him like I do I should have suspected it. But after he landed me in hospital again, I knew I had to leave. It was the hardest thing I had to do, just up and leave everything I had known behind, to create a clean slate for myself. So when he came after me for half my earnings…to even have the nerve to lay claim to my success after everything he did to me…. I was terrified. I knew what he was capable of physically but as soon as I saw him, all those doubts about myself came rushing back…I was actually thinking maybe I did owe everything I had achieved to him. To know that he still had that ability to reduce my confidence." By this stage Sadie was hunched over defeated and whispering, "I was so ashamed of myself for letting him mess with me again… but I thank god for being surrounded by so many proud and strong women on my journey to success. They had planted a seed of strength in me that I never knew I had. I was able to stand up to him and thanks to you I never have to deal with him again."

"Girl, never doubt yourself and don't you EVER give that power to anyone. Promise me you will never doubt your talent, you are the real deal!" Rayna says grasping Sadie hand and squeezing while holding back tears "you are amazing." Sadie grabs a nearby napkin and wipes her eyes, nodding in response to what Rayna said. With a voice full of emotion, Sadie looks Rayna in the eyes "thanks to you. None of this would be possible without you."

"Rubbish, you did it all yourself. I was just back up to your awesomeness!"

Smiling sadly, Sadie sniffs and states "I need another drink!" Waving to get the attention of the waiter, Sadie contemplates what she has just shared with Rayna. It felt good to come clean with all the sordid details of her past, especially with someone who she knows won't judge her. Thinking about her past gets her wondering about Rayna's, even though they are friends she realises that she knows hardly anything about the woman in front of her. Rayna's past is a mystery. She knows that she had managed to get to the top of the country music industry without giving away personal details, which is a difficult thing to achieve now days.

The crowd was slowly building with people coming in for after works drinks. They had both placed their orders and were lost in their own thoughts as they contemplated the afternoon's conversation. The drinks in their hands and the ones already under their belts, gave them the illusion of an emotional buffer so that they felt ready to continue ripping the band aids off their unhealed wounds.

"What about you Rayna. I've heard some of those songs you have written, I know it hasn't all been chocolate and roses, you have had some major hurt in your life." Sadie was determined to get to the bottom of Rayna's reluctance to admit to herself that see needed Deacon. From what she had learnt about Rayna since first meeting her, Deacon has always been in her life to varying degrees. Sadie was convinced that people have constantly tried to get Rayna to cut him free. There was obviously a reason why she never had and Sadie was on a mission. She was going to get Rayna to admit the truth to herself so that she can finally have the happiness in her life that she deserved.

"You are one of the most independent self assured women I know. Who is it that has hurt you so badly, because some of those lyrics are pretty damn powerful. Is it Deacon? If it is, to be honest, why do you keep going back to him? Why would you continue to have someone in your life who continues to hurt you over and over again? You have calved out an amazing career for yourself, never compromising on your vision, never having to share your success with anyone so why would keep bringing that level of pain back into your life?"

Putting her head down on her folded arms on the table, Rayna plays with a discarded peanut while she contemplates what Sadie asked. She is the first to admit that hers and Deacon's relationship has caused so much heartache to each of them over the years, but at the core of it they both know that they aren't complete unless they are in each others lives. So many people over the years had failed to understand that, to understand that they both gave each other the strength to face their adversaries. Rayna knew that without Deacon she would never have achieved the level of success that she has.

"People have always failed to understand our relationship. I once said that without Deacon Claybourne there would be no Rayna Jaymes and it's true. Having your best friend fighting in your corner, calling you out for bad decisions and generally having my back allowed me to have this career. No matter what we did to each other over the years we had that strength between us and that hasn't changed." Sadie sipped her drink, not daring to interrupt Rayna as she finally opened up about the unbreakable bond between herself and Deacon. "I knew the minute I started pushing him away after I put Luke's ring on, that I had made a mistake. All those people in my life constantly telling me that Deacon was no good…that he just brings me down…that he would just hurt me all over again…. Well they finally won, I finally believed them. I choose the other guy, the guy with the clean slate cause I had lost track of who I was… and what was important to me. I thought that distance and focusing on loving Luke would finally break me of Deacon but the more I pushed the more I needed him. You know what finally brought it crashing home for me?" Rayna asks Sadie.

Narrowing her eyes at her drink while drunkenly raising the glass and pointing a finger at Sadie "My beautiful girls…..hmmm I think I need another drink….ummmm" looking confused at what she was trying to say. "My wonderful daughters broke my heart and crashed through those walls I had constructed to convince myself I was happy. They had written a song for me and Luke but little did they know that the words they sang at the rehearsal dinner were giving me the strength to finally admit the truth. When Maddie said that her Dad helped her write the song…well that is so Deacon. Always putting my happiness first, no matter that it broke his own heart… well I thought it was Deacon who helped her, imagine my shock when she later told me it was Teddy! Anyways everything just kept snowballing from that moment ending with Tandy. On the eve of the wedding Tandy was thinking she was talking me out of cold feet but in fact her pep talk just cemented my decision to choose Deacon."

Pushing her glass away, "actually, I can't drink anymore. You know, Deacon is the only person who has never tried to claim my success as his own. First it was Daddy, then Liam and finally Luke. That man…he…he is there for me no matter what I do to him, and I don't know why he continues to forgive me but I'm done. I'm done being scared. I'm done with denying myself happiness." Putting her head completely on her folded arms, so that her hair covers her, Rayna whispers more to herself than Sadie "I need that love in my life again, it scares me but I want it…. I don't know how to get it."

"Rayna, I don't know Deacon but the way I see it. If he is still here after" Sadie waves her hand around "all that" "He has not only forgiven you for whatever perceived injury you have done to him but he is just waiting for a sign from you. You have to bridge that divide."

"I told him that I loved him, that I've always loved him" Sadie's eyes go wide at this confession as Rayna continues "the night I ended the wedding I went over to his and laid open my heart but then I got scared and told him that I needed time…which I did. I needed to find me again but now I have created a gulf between us and I don't know how I am going to reach him again." Rayna's shaking shoulders giving away that she was silently crying into her arms. Scooting around, Sadie wraps an arm around her. "It will be ok Rayna, I know you and Deacon will find your way back to each other again. You both have dealt with so much over the years and I choose to believe that that was for a reason… so that you will have your time together again."


	5. chapter 5

Rayna's silent tears slowly subsided as she lifted her head and gave Sadie a tired smile. "I hope so." Wiping her eyes, for what felt like the hundredth time today Rayna fixes her gaze on Tootsies stage where the staff were beginning to set up the karaoke equipment. A sly smile began to slowly transform Rayna's face. She was sick of feeling this way, of being overwhelmed with indecision in relation to Deacon. The activity on the stage gave her an idea of how she would be able to switch her brain off for a while and just be herself.

"I believe you promised me a girls' night out, alcohol and karaoke. Think we have well and truly nailed the first two…" Rayna says with a wicked grin to Sadie, "how about we find a trashy song to slaughter to complete the night?"

Laughing at not only Rayna's suggestion for the evening but at her sudden change of emotion, Sadie's eye light up as she accepts the challenged put to her. "Oh, we are totally going to own the competition tonight!" Their outburst of laughter draws the attention of those around them, in particular a group of young men. Two of the bravest men approach the booth where Rayna and Sadie are now examining the list of songs available. "So ladies, I see that you are not only gracing us with your beauty tonight but you are going to entertain us with your vocal talents."

Both Rayna and Sadie look up at the speaker, with their mouths open in shock. Standing before them were two guys, who looked like they would be lucky to be 20. Floating on an afternoon full of alcohol and emotions, Rayna smiles widely at the speaker and says with a purr to her voice, "If you stick around you might just find out how entertaining I can be!" The eyes of both men widen slightly and they both gulp in shock. "Ummmm, I'm Bobby and this is Ben, we noticed you both earlier but you seemed like you didn't want company then. Can we join you?" Bobby asks pointing to the empty side of the booth.

"Suuuurrrrree" Sadie says with a saccharine drenched smile on her face. "We were just deciding on what song to sing….Oh by the way, I'm Jenny and this is Kate. I was thinking I might do 'You're the one that I want' but I need a partner." Turning to Bobby and leaning in towards him, "Do you karaoke Bobby?" Bobby visibly gulps as he nods his head frantically and stutters out "I…I …I can sing with you" "Gee, that would be swell. Kate, what song are you doing?"

Sadie turns her eyes towards Rayna. Rayna swallows a smile as she picks up the message Sadie's eyes are sending her direction. "Ummm, well I just don't know. Since you took my song" Rayna pouts "I think 'I touch myself'" At this both Bobby and Ben toss back their drinks and signal for another from a passing waiter. The young men continue to flirt and flatter Rayna and Sadie while they wait for their 'names' to be called to the stage.

Sadie and Bobby were first up and Bobby quickly overcomes his shyness at being on stage. Sadie is in her element and puts on an over the top performance to the 'Grease' classic, with Bobby proving that he is equal to her performance. As the applause dies down Rayna makes her way to the stage. All eyes are quickly on her as she performs a sultry rendition of the 'Divinyls' controversial hit. Coming off the stage with a huge smile on her face, Ben rushes over to assist her as she staggers through the crowded dance floor. Breathless he gushes at her "That was amazing. Have you ever thought about being a singer, because you have a great voice." Smiling sweetly at the enthusiastic young man Rayna thanks him.

Sipping her drink, Rayna can feel herself slowly fading. The momentary distraction of karaoke and flirting is quickly losing its shine. She had to get out of here and head home. Realising she needed some time away from everything and everyone Rayna tries to catch Sadie's eye. Rolling her eyes towards the door and inclining her head in that direction, Sadie nods that she understands. Sadie makes the excuses for both of them to the boys, with disappointment showing on their faces. Rayna rises and grabs her bag. Placing a kiss on Ben's cheek, she thanks him for being so sweet. As she weaves around the tables, Rayna realises that she is exhausted. The roller coaster of emotions she has been on today, the fresh wounds that were ripped opened today has drained her. All she can think of at the moment is HER home. The only place she has ever felt safe.

The sudden blast of cool air has a sobering effect on them as they flag down a taxi. They are both silent as the car cruises the busy night streets of Nashville, both absorbed in what has been revealed today. Sitting with her head inclined on the back seat, Rayna's eyes flit across the taxi ceiling not really taking anything in. Sadie tells the driver to pull up and looking over at Rayna she can see that her friend is still deep in thought. Sadie gently nudges Rayna's arm to get her attention. Rayna blinks the heavy thoughts away as she smiles at Sadie, "thank you for today. You were right I did need to escape from being me for a while."

"Rayna, you are welcome, though I should be thanking you. I've never told anyone about my marriage before, so thank you for being listening to me." Rayna squeezes her hand and smiles. "Anytime Sadie, anytime…. You take care." Sadie begins to get out of the taxi, but looks back at her friend, concern written on her face. "Rayna are you going to be ok getting home? You are welcome to stay if you want."

"Thanks, but after today I need …. I need to be somewhere I feel safe. Does that make sense?" Nodding, Sadie closes the door and makes her way up the stairs to her house. A small smile graces her lips as she opens the door as she realises that Rayna is currently on her way to her safe place…Deacon.

***** All song belong to the artists who wrote/performed them


	6. chapter 6

Rayna stumbled out of the taxi, the shock of the cold air adding to the buzz from the afternoon session with Sadie. She stood there swaying in front of the house trying to focus on the front door. Somewhere deep inside her a small glimmer of light was beginning to shine amongst the alcohol numbed thoughts. She was right where she was meant to be. Taking the first of many unsteady steps she slowly and carefully makes her way up the front steps. Bumping into the brink pillar at the top she slurs out a quick sorry, then realising what she just said sorry to, she begins to giggle.

Taking a deep breath to centre herself she quickly takes the last remaining steps to arrive at her destination. Raising a shaky hand she knocks on the door, hesitantly at first then gaining more confidence, knocking louder. Hearing no response she presses her face up against the glass, peering in hoping to see some movement. With a voice scratchy from a big drinking session and full of hope Rayna tries to raise the occupant of the house "Deacon?" Still hearing no movement, she begins a chorus of alternative knocking and calling his name. Still not getting any response, she kicks the door in frustration while wiggling the door handle and whispering a pleading final "Deacon".

Crumpling down against the door, her eyes brimming with tears Rayna bangs her head against the locked door. This was so typical of her and Deacon, never on the same page at the same time. She really did think this time would be different but maybe she had blown it. She had asked for time and he had given it to her. Maybe he had decided that after all this time, all the drama and hurtful things she had done to him that she wasn't worth the wait. Closing her eyes against the pain that thought brought with it, a niggling thought pushed its way through the fuzziness of her brain.

Deacon had hidden a front door key, years ago when he finally got fed up with Rayna misplacing hers and calling him to come and rescue her. Rayna wondered if he ever got around to removing it. Crawling over to the pillar and dragging herself up, Rayna stumbles down the steps and makes her way around to the side of the house. After a couple of false starts she finally remembers exactly where the key was hidden. The problem now being that she had to reach into the darkness and grope around in whatever to hopefully find the key. Kneeling down in what passed as a garden, she screws her face up as she bravely thrusts her hand into the unknown. Her fingers stumble and graze the various oddments that accumulate under a house over the years. When she is about to give up hope, her fingers finger something that seems out of place. Stretching her arm to the maximum she holds her breath as she grasps in desperation and is successful as she pulls back what she hopes are keys.

Dangling her treasure in front of her eyes she allows a small smile of satisfaction erupt over her face. Crawling back out from underneath the shrub she had to wiggle under to get to the hiding spot, she makes her way back to the front door. Her alcohol addled coordination forces her to make a couple of failed attempts to get the key in the lock, when she is finally successful she stumbles through the door slamming it shut in triumph. Raising both arms above her head and spinning, she gives thanks to the imaginary crowd who are cheering her at her success at gaining access. Giggling to herself and her silliness, she slowly takes in Deacon's living room.

She can see various bits and pieces that Maddie had left here, making this as much her home as Belle Meade. A smile of happiness at this thought graces Rayna's face. That Deacon and Maddie had found their way to each other and that they had forged such a strong relationship, especially after the way they found out about each other, filled Rayna with such joy.

Looking closer at the photos that Deacon had on the side board, her eyes hold fast to one in particular. It was the one that Maddie had given them both, when they had all sung 'A life that's good' at Luke's benefit. Picking it up and holding it in the light that was streaming in from the street, Rayna noticed for the first time the gaze that was lingering between her and Deacon. If she was honest with herself, no matter what was going on between her and Deacon over the years, they had never been very good at reining in their passion for each other, especially when they were on the stage together.

They were both good at using the excuse 'it was just a performance' but deep down they both knew they were playing with fire. That the flames of that particular fire would soon burst to the surface and engulf them. Usually it resulted in an all out screaming match at each other, but every now and then they would test that line in the sand they had drawn and would take the stage flirting up to knife edge of no return. It was a routine that was uniquely theirs, it was the only way they were able to remain in each others lives and still keep their love for each other under control given their respective situations.

Placing the photo alongside the others, Rayna wipes a single tear away. The last couple of months of reflection had made her realise that over the years she had put Deacon in a difficult situation. She kept telling him to move on but at the same time she refused to let him go. She had deep down always known that she was being unfair to him, but she just couldn't let him go. It was Luke that forced her to confront her behaviour about Deacon. He had called her out on it and to appease him she made the painful decision to cut Deacon out of her life. The resulting consequence was that she was set adrift as flotsam in the unrealistic life that Luke had built for himself. She had lost her anchor and she had lost who she was.

Since calling the wedding off she was making her way back to herself, but she needed her anchor back. Deacon was as much as part of her as her singing was. She realises now that she isn't complete without him in her life and pretending otherwise just results in her being a hollow shell going through the motions.

The silence of the house comforts her as much as the faint scent lingering that was uniquely Deacon; coffee and guitars. Leaning against the couch she struggles to pull off her boots resulting in her falling backwards. Snorting at her clumsiness Rayna frowns in confusion as she takes in the dirt covering her clothes. Finally realising where the dirt had come from, she struggles to make her way up from the couch and heads off towards Deacon's bedroom discarding pieces of clothing along the way.

Breathing in deeply as her senses are overwhelmed and engulfed by the essence of Deacon she slowly makes her way further into the room, stopping at the edge of the bed where she picks up a discarded t-shirt. Burying her face in it, she welcomes the sense of calm that washes over her. Deacon was always able to make her feel safe no matter what was going on in her life. Wanting to be wrapped in that safety Rayna slips the t-shirt over her head and crawls up the bed where she buries herself under the covers. Rubbing her face against the pillow she purrs in content. For the first time in a long time she was home. This thought follows her as she gradually falls asleep with a smile of contention on her face.

Pulling up out the front of his place Deacon scratches his signature stubble as he contemplates how exhausted he is. Outwardly he looks perfectly healthy but he is constantly surprised by how tired he is at the end of the day. Prior to his diagnosis he never felt this exhausted but it seems that ever since all he wants to do is sleep. Chuckling at his late night pondering he turns his thoughts back to the performance of the Triple X's. They were amazing, he had thought that ZAG were good but tonight's debut outing by Gunner, Avery and Scarlett made him realise just how talented all three of them were.

Lost in his thoughts, he didn't notice anything unusual until he went to put his key into the lock. Noticing for the first time the keys dangling from the lock, a look of confusion crosses his face. "What the hell?" Turning the knob he tentatively makes his way into his house. Not hearing anything out of the ordinary he flicks on a nearby lamp. His eyes widen at the sight before him. Cowboy boots and socks scattered around the living room, turning towards his bedroom he takes in the assorted clothing littering the floor. Smiling he follows the clothing into his room.

Stopping at the door he takes in the sight before him. Seeing that tousled strawberry blonde hair resting peacefully on his pillow and Rayna wrapped up like a cocoon in his bed, Deacon allowed his feelings to bubble the surface. A look of pure love covered his face as he silently made his way over to Rayna's side. Crouching down he tucked a stray hair behind her ear, caressing her cheek as he whispered her name. "Ray?" A resulting mummer was the only response he got from her.

Trying again, only this time he leaned in so that his lips grazed her ear "Ray?" A shiver ran down her entire body and a seductive smile showed that Rayna had heard him. "Hmmm" her eyes fluttered open and locked with his. "Deacon?" Chuckling at her confusion, Deacon tapped her cheek to get her attention, "What are you doing here Ray?" Her eyes caressed his face as she reached out a hand, allowing her fingers to softly trace his lips "I miss you". At this her eyes roll back in her head and she falls back into unconsciousness. Deacon could barely contain the jolt of electricity that her touch had given him. Falling backwards he sat there staring at the love of his life fast asleep in his bed. Cursing her and her timing, he wiped a hand over his face hoping to clear his thoughts. Dragging himself reluctantly up and out of the room, he began to make the couch up for himself.

***** All rights to the songs mentioned belong to the talented songwriters and ABC.


	7. chapter 7

Preparing for bed, Deacon leaned against the doorframe while cleaning his teeth and embraced the image before him. He still had no idea why Rayna was in his bed, she had said she needed time and even though he was on borrowed time he had given it to her. It had hurt that she had pushed him away but he understood. She needed time…time to lick her wounds, time to find herself again and time to sort out her feelings about them. She didn't know about the cancer and even though at the time he was disappointed at her asking for time, it turned out to be the best decision. He was determined that he was going to fight this disease on his own, that he didn't want Rayna back out of pity. Seeing her in his bed just reconfirmed his decision to keep Rayna and the girls out of arms reach…if only it didn't hurt so much not being close to her.

Walking back into his bedroom to grab a pillow for the couch, Deacon noticed that Rayna had kicked the covers off herself. Pulling the covers back up over her, Deacon smiled at the sight of her in his old tour shirt. Sitting down next to her on the bed, he paused for a moment to watch her sleep. It gave him a degree of comfort that Rayna had finally reached out for him. Even though he was going to have to push her away, it eased some of the ache knowing that she still loved him. Yawning, Deacon slid down the bed and continued to watch Rayna sleep. His fingers twitched to touch her, but knowing his weakness for her Deacon knew that once he had her back in his arms he would never be able to let go.

* * *

 

Rubbing her cheek against the hard pillow her head was laying on Rayna closed her eyes more firmly hoping to trick her body into going back to sleep. She had had the best night sleep in a long time and wanted to hold onto the remaining tendrils of it. A wonderful sense of warmth and safety made her wiggle further down into the blissful weight of the cocoon that engulfed her. A tightening of the weight that enveloped her, accompanied with a gentle moan forced Rayna's eyes to open cautiously.

Tentatively sneaking a peek down at her body she could see the cause of the tightening around her, not that she needed evidence. She would have recognised the familiar weight anywhere. Wrapped around her like ivy on a tree, Deacon had snaked one arm under her head and the other was draped across her waist. He had one leg tangled with hers, his face was curtained within her hair and she could feel his warm breath tickling the back of her neck. No wonder she had felt so safe and warm.

Deacon was the only person who was able to sleep like this with her. His weight pushed her body down into the mattress and his arm imprisoned her against his warm body. Being held like this by anyone else always made her feel trapped and claustrophobic. From the very start it signified serenity for Rayna whenever Deacon held her like this. Within this embrace he was able to take away all her concerns and give her a sense of contentment. Breathing in deeply she sighed in blissful happiness as she tangled her fingers with Deacon's and closed her eyes again.

Deacon tightened his arms around the wiggling object beneath him. Burrowing his face into the silken tendrils that tickled his nose, he sighed deeply as his subconscious struggled to identify the familiar scent that was surrounding him. Fighting the need to open his eyes, wanting to delay for as long as possible and dwell in this dream state, he tightened his grip once more bringing the body flush against his own.

With a voice heavy with sleep and a head suffering with a hangover, Rayna whispered Deacon's name. The hitch in his breathing indicated that he was close to waking. "Deacon" this time spoken louder and in combination with a tickling of his palm. She felt his whole body stiffen and pull away from her. "Rayna?" a clearly confused Deacon croaked out as she felt a loss as he began to loosened his grip on her, moving his body away from her, though not completely separating from her. "What are you doing here?"

* * *

 

Moaning as the pain from the morning light hit her square in the eye, Rayna pulled the covers up over her head as she muttered her response. Not understanding what she said, Deacon pulled the covers down and leaned over her to look her in the face. Her eyes were screwed up tightly against the cruel morning light. "Ray?"

"Arrgggghh! SHHHH!...Stop talking!" Rayna begged as she covered her eyes with her arm. "Please."

Smiling smugly down at her Deacon tapped his fingers against her arm. "Why Rayna Jaymes are you hung over?"

Willing herself not to smile at his gentle teasing "Nooooo! Never!... You were just shouting at me."

"Hmmm sure I was Ray…are you sure you aren't suffering from the ill effects of a night of drinking and debauchery?"

"Yes I'm sure…now shut up! And go and make me some coffee" she muttered as she once again pulled the covers up over her head effectively ending all future conversation on the matter.

Laughing Deacon dragged his body away from the comforting warmth of Rayna and padded out to the kitchen. He was smart enough to know that to confront Rayna without coffee in the morning was foolish, let alone while she was sporting a hangover…that was just plain dangerous. Coffee ready, Deacon returned to the bedroom and could see that Rayna hadn't moved from the spot he left her.

"Your highness, your humble servant has prepared you your coffee."

If the unladylike snort from under the blankets hadn't alerted Deacon to the fact that Rayna was awake, the waving around of her hand above blanket in search of coffee would have.

"Nope Ray, that's not going to work. I'm not giving you this coffee until you face the day like a grown up."

Deacon knew that he was being cruel but he had learnt over the years that a hung over Rayna would wallow the day away in bed and avoid everyone and everything. He knew that they needed to talk, but not today. Not when she was feeling so sorry for herself and not when he could still feel the weight of her in his arms. He needed to get her up and out of his house before his resolved weakened and he crawled back into that bed and took further comfort in her.

Hearing muttering coming from under the blankets, some of which Deacon was sure were curses aimed at him, Rayna's head emerged. Blinking frantically against the harsh light, she pushed her hair out of her face as she struggled to give Deacon a murderous look. Failing miserably she held her hand out in his direction. Throwing a pleading glance in his direction, he gave her a smile of sympathy and gave her the lifeline. Sighing as she swallowed the first warm mouthful, her eyes danced around the room falling everywhere but on Deacon.

She knew that he wanted to know what she was doing here and why she was in his bed. The warmth that had encased her since waking up in he's arms still lingered on her and it unsettled her. Her pounding head and the scent of Deacon on her skin made her reluctant about confronting him about the gulf between them. Taking another sip of coffee, she snuck a peek at Deacon who was now lounging against the doorframe watching her cautiously. Her eyes raked over his body cased only in his boxers. He's body was a tribute to good genetics and a musician's workout. Her eyes skimmed over his honey coloured skin, taking in the fact that he had aged beautifully. He was still muscular without being overly obvious. She had always admired his strong arms…the way they played guitar, the way she felt small and womanly against him and at the same time wrapped in those arms, she felt safe and loved.

Finishing up her coffee, Rayna catches a glimpse at the time as she reaches over to place the mug on the bedside table. "SHIT!" Frantically kicking her legs to get the covers off her, she exclaims "Deacon, god damn it, help me!" Chuckling to himself, he places his own coffee down and attempts to detangle Rayna from the bed clothes. "Rayna calm down."

"I can't I have to go pick the girls up from Teddy's and drop them to school. He has a council meeting."

Finally getting herself free from the offending material, she firmly plants her feet on the ground. Swaying she reaches out and grips Deacon's arms until she feels strong enough to stand on her own. Slapping at his naked chest "Shut up! And get dressed, you have to drive me to my car…..and tell me where my clothes are!"

At this Deacon can no longer control his laughter, putting his hands on her shoulders he pushes her in the direction of the bathroom "Ray, why don't you go make yourself presentable and I will gather up your clothes."

* * *

 

Sitting in the cabin of his truck, Rayna squints against the morning light. Deacon forces a smile from his face as he takes off his sunglasses. "Here, this will make the day a little bit more tolerable" he hands her the sunglasses. Smiling her thanks, she places them on and disappears behind them. The familiar unease that she has now come to associate with thinking about their relationship is beginning to take hold again. She was so sure of everything last night, even more so this morning when she woken up with Deacon. But now in the cold harsh morning light all uncertainty had returned. Nothing had changed in regards to how she felt about Deacon, or how much she wanted him in her life but Deacon was projecting a 'back off' aura.

Rayna wasn't so sure about what Deacon wanted anymore. He had been avoiding her for the last couple of months and Rayna was unsure how to cross that divide between them, especially now that Deacon seemed so reluctant to even talk to her. Regardless she knew that they needed to talk. They had to confront what was between them and work out what the future held. Deacon pulling up outside the Highway 65 offices brought Rayna back to the present. "Here you are Ray."

Clearing her throat and with a small smile on her face, Rayna turned to face Deacon. Leaning over she places a kiss on his cheek, lingering longer than necessary "Thanks"

"Ummm you're welcome. Aahhh…Give my love to the girls…Tell Maddie I will call her about her lesson." Squeezing his hand, Rayna nods as she gets out of the cabin.

Deacon watches as she makes her way to her car. Knowing that his standoffish behaviour is causing Rayna pain loosens Deacon's resolve. He knows he won't be able to delay telling Rayna about the cancer for much longer, she was always good at being able to tell when he was being evasive. He hopes that when he is finally forced to tell her, that he will be able to also tell her some good news. Rayna flicks her hair over her shoulder as she looks back at Deacon.

Through the pounding of her head and the general next day seediness, she recognised the signs that Deacon was hiding something from her. His caginess and uneasiness being around her triggered alarm bells, she was now more than ever convinced that she needed to get Deacon alone and force him to reveal what he was hiding. Throwing him a smile and a small wave, she hops into her car.

**** All rights to the songs mentioned belong to the writers and ABC.


	8. chapter 8

Rayna tightened her grip on the steering wheel as she impatiently waited for the slow moving car ahead of her to decide to turn at the last moment. Grinding her teeth as she slammed her foot down on the accelerator, she sped past the now stationary car. Silently fuming, she allowed her mind to wander back over the events of last night. This just added to her bad mood, upgrading it to pissed off. Three days ago she had decided that she was sick of the way her and Deacon were skirting around each other. She was going to force the issue, especially since he seemed determined to ignore the fact that she had gotten rotten drunk and ended up in his bed. The final push for her was Maddie accosting her about Deacon. She allows a brief smile to grace her face as she casts her mind back over the events of three days ago.

* * *

 

She had been planning on introducing the girls into the Opry ever since she was first approached about her own anniversary. The recent issue with Jeff Fordham just brought to the forefront that she needed to step in and gently introduce those two talented girls of hers into the industry. The Opry really was like family, the members would support you through the highs and the lows, and she was so excited that she was going to be the one to bring her girls into that circle. Watching their faces go from disbelief to realisation that they were going to be performing at the Opry made her heart swell with pride. Knowing that at her own anniversary she would get to usher in the next generation, to bring them into her music family. Maddie was always the one who was able to cut through all her buff and get straight to the point. Tonight was no different as she went straight to the core of who Rayna considered family.

Looking at her mother, Maddie sighed to herself as she prepared herself for her mom's predictable response "What about Deacon?"

"He's an important part of it too"

"Is he going to come?"

"I don't know."

Rolling her eyes at the slick way her mom had so far avoided the real issue, "please don't say this is complicated."

"Well it is complicated"

Maddie's patience finally reached breaking point, "You can't even be on the same stage as him anymore? You hate him that much?"

"Honey…that is SO not the problem", squeezing Daphne's and Maddie's hands, Rayna smiles widely at her girls, as she struggles to stifle the sadness that always seemed to engulf her whenever she thought about the mess between her and Deacon. "I will ask him, but let's focus on the fact that the Conrad Sister's are going to be joining the Opry."

* * *

 

Blocking Daphne's non-stop excitable chatter out, Maddie plucked at the bed covers as she contemplated how frustrating her parents were being. Clearly they were both in love with each other, but their own stubbornness was getting in their way. Her dad always seemed to have a cloud of sadness surrounding him lately. At her most recent guitar lesson, he was reluctant to talk about anything that seemed even remotely associated with her mom.

Packing up her guitar after the lesson, Maddie chewed her lip as she debated with herself about whether to ask her dad or not. She had asked before but both of her parents were so good at deflecting her... Building up her courage, Maddie decided the worse that would happen is she would get the standard 'it's complicated' response from him….again.

"So, what's going on with you and mom?"

"Nothin"

"Nothin"

"Nothin all right… I haven't even seen her in weeks."

"Exactly…know that's what so weird, it's like you guys are avoiding each other or something."

"Maddie, it's complicated okay."

"It's over with Luke. You don't have a girlfriend…it's so simply to me

"It's not simple…"

Exasperated by the run around responses Deacon was giving, Maddie demanded "Are you guys fighting?"

"No we're not okay…it's…"

"What?" effectively cutting him off before Deacon stated 'it's complicated' again.

"After all that's happened lately we just need a little time, okay?…that's all…"

Losing patience, Maddie finally asks the question that she already knew the answer to, "But you still love her don't you?"

"Till the day I die" Deacon says in a voice heavy with sadness. He knows that that particular end date was closer than he thought ever possible. Struggling to push the overwhelming thought that he was shortly going to have to leave behind the love of his life, Deacon failed to notice the smug knowing grin that was lighting up he's daughter's face.

* * *

 

Rayna paced the floor in her bedroom. She had already straightened all the items on her dressing table, rearranged the throw pillows and picked at the imaginary fluff on the bed cover, anything to avoid picking the phone up and laying open her heart. Taking a deep breath Rayna picks it up and stares uncertainly at the name on the screen. Pressing call before she could talk herself out of it, Rayna lifts the phone to ear and holds her breath.

Picking up the phone, Deacon hesitates before answering "Hello there"

Rayna's face unconsciously brightens upon hearing his voice "Hey, its me."

"Ye I know, your name comes up on my phone….so mystery solved" Deacon answers with an uneasy laugh.

Deacon's apprehension hits Rayna down the line. Rolling her eyes at how they are both behaving like nervous teenagers. Emitting a small laugh to break the uneasiness Rayna plunges on, "I wanted to let you know tomorrow night is the 10th anniversary of my Opry induction."

"God almighty has that been 10 years already?"

"Ye I know its crazy….anyways, so I just can't imagine…having that night without you being there." Sensing the rejection that is about to come back at her Rayna rushes on, "and Vince is going to be there, and a lot of the guys are coming back."

"I don't know Rayna….you know I'm not sure I'm ready for that just yet…"

"Yep I get it….also you should know the girls are going to play their Opry debut and I can tell you what, they would be over the moon if you played with them, that whole full circle, sort of deal."

She knew that she sounded desperate, and she was. She needed to break through that barrier that Deacon had recently erected around himself. If she was being honest with herself, she knew that she was to blame for the way Deacon was being careful. She had taken his love over the years and stomped all over it. She had broke his heart so often and then changed her mind, usually after seeing him with another woman and invited him back into her life only to do it all over again.

"Can… I think about it and… you know get back to ya?"

"Ye, of course. I appreciate it...for what its worth I think it would be really amazing."

"Ok, then …I'll let you know."

"Ok."

Hanging up the phone, Deacon allowed the pain he kept locked away to surface. After finding Rayna drunk in his bed and waking up next to her the next morning, Deacon had avoided thinking about their situation. Rayna on the other hand would have talked herself into pretending that it never happened, or so he thought. However, listening to her asking him to join the Opry anniversary, it was obvious that Rayna knew exactly what she was doing and she hadn't forgotten. She was scratching and kicking at his defences, determined to make her way through to get to him. Every fibre of him wanted to say yes, but he knew the strength of the gravitational pull of Rayna. Once he was in that orbit again he wouldn't have the strength to escape. He also knew that if he did play at the Opry, there would be no way to keep Rayna out of his life and he would no longer be able to keep his cancer diagnosis a secret.

* * *

 

Maddie looked up from her phone at the knock on her door. "Hey."

"Hey. Just wanted you to know that I called Deacon, and asked him."

"What did he say? Is he going to come?"

"He's thinking about it." Maddie's face lights up at this news.

Smiling back at her daughter, Rayna begins to make her way out of the room, "Tomorrow is going to be a big day…good night"

"Mom…."

"Ye."

"You still love him…don't you?"

"I'll always love Deacon…ye"

"No like you.. L-O-V-E… him…don't you?"

"Sweetheart…I know you want us to be together."

"So bad" Maddie whispers.

Looking at her daughter's sad face, Rayna wants to be honest with her. But her and Deacon's relationship was complicated and woven with so much history that Rayna often couldn't make sense of it." I just…I'm…not…sure what that looks like just yet. But I think for the two of us to be together again we both have to be ready… really ready."

"When do you think that will be?"

"I don't know." Rayna gives Maddie a small smile of encouragement as she heads out of the room "Love you"

"Love you." Maddie automatically responses back to her mom, her mind working through everything she has learnt from her parents in the last couple of days. With a hopeful smile on her face, Maddie turns off her bedside light off feeling better about the prospects of her parents being together in a long time.

* * *

 

Outwardly no one would be able to tell that either Daphne or Maddie were nervous or excited. More reserved than both Daphne and Rayna, Maddie was use to keeping her emotions close. Daphne was normally a ball of energy, but the enormity of tonight had hit her when they arrived. Excitement was written all over her face but butterflies of nervousness had brought down her level of energy. She was grateful that she would be performing with her sister. Her mom led them both to their dressing room, entering into that room both her and Maddie allowed the excitement to wash over them.

"Someone here need a guitar player?"

Squealing in excitement Daphne rushes towards the voice "DEACON "

"Dad, I'm so glad you came," Maddie smiles as she walks towards her father.

"Wouldn't have missed it for the world" hugging both girls tightly, he locks eyes with Rayna and exchanges a hopeful smile.

* * *

 

Rayna walks out to a cheering crowd to introduce her girls to the Opry family. Overcome with emotion while talking about her girls, being able to also introduce Deacon alongside with them makes her heart swell with emotion. All her loves, on stage together, she couldn't be prouder of any of them. Hugging her daughters and whispering a final wish of luck, Rayna didn't see Deacon sneak past her to take his spot on the stage.

Standing off stage, Rayna was amazed at how both Daphne and Maddie seemed to not be nervous at all. Seeing them up there on the stage, the realisation that her babies were growing up hit her. Casting her eyes over to Deacon she could see the look of pride on his face as well. He has loved her girls all their lives, and since finding out about Maddie he has loved them both equally as his daughters.

The rousing applause that they had received after their performance was still ringing in their ears as Daphne and Maddie rush off stage into the open arms of their proud mother. Deacon's smile couldn't be wider as he watches the loving embrace between all his girls. Tearing his eyes away from them, he makes his way over to some old friends hoping to distract himself enough to be strong enough to withstand the pull of Rayna.

Realising that Rayna was about to go on stage, quickly looking around and not seeing her Deacon slowly makes his way to the stage edge. Seeing Vince Gill head out on stage, Deacon leans against the stage equipment to listen. Vince was always so encouraging to both Rayna and Deacon early on in their careers, always quick to praise and to offer constructive criticism. Deacon felt a familiar tingle run up the back of his spine, without turning around he could tell that Rayna was standing next to him.

Rayna could feel the warmth radiating off Deacon and she could smell the sweet musky scent of him. Keeping her eyes on the stage where Vince was singing her praises, Rayna reaches out her fingers and slides her small hand into the larger one next to her. Feeling the callused familiarity encase her hand, Rayna raises her eyes to Deacon's. Allowing their eyes to say everything they want to say but are afraid to, they continue to stare at each other, totally unaware that at that exact moment their daughter is looking at them with a big smile over her face.

"Come sing with me" Rayna whispers loud enough for only Deacon to hear, before she heads out onto stage. Deacon looks at her as she walks out, a combination of love and fear covering his face.

* * *

 

"Oh my goodness, y'all! Vince, thank you so much for being here tonight. You are an amazing friend and it just means the world to me and I appreciate you so much. And it was just….beyond moving to see my girls up here tonight for the first time and accompanied by Deacon Claybourne. Can we give Deacon a big hand, please. I mean he's been with me from the very beginning, in one way or another…"a cheer from the crowd interrupts Rayna, as she smiles back at them. Smiling to himself at Rayna's words, Deacon glances backwards and nods knowingly to the stage manager.

"I'm so grateful to him too, and he's been such an important part of my life…" the frenzy of noise that the crowd makes prevents Rayna from continuing, realising that it wasn't her speech causing their reaction Rayna turns to see Deacon striding purposely towards her. Not breaking eye contact, they wrap their arms around each other, both sighing at the realisation that they have found their way back to each other. Cocooned within their embrace not willing to let go, the audience is forgotten as they take comfort in each other.

Maddie and Daphne hugged each other in unbridled happiness as they watch the uncensored emotional reunion on stage. Rayna and Deacon slowly untangle their arms and quickly adopt their professional personas.

Without any fanfare they launch into 'The Rivers between us'. They had first sung it at Rayna's induction to the Opry. Just like 'No one will ever love you', it was a dangerous song for them to sing. Both of those songs featured on the 'banned song list' that existed between them. The songs brought to the surface emotions that could never be controlled. The resulting argument Rayna had with Teddy as the result of that performance, was one of the worse they had ever had. In hindsight, Rayna realises it was that performance which finally made Teddy realise that she was still in love with Deacon and would always be.

Looking into each others eyes, they feel the sweet embrace from the melody wash over them as the lyrics caress them with its honesty. Drinking in the love shining in each others eyes, the audience fades away till it is just them singing to each other. The pain that they had inflicted on each other melting away until all that is left is pure love. As Deacon strikes the final cord, the protective bubble that they had stepped into bursts and the overwhelming noise coming from the audience comes rushing at them.

Blinking away the last traces of emotion they turn and smile at the audience. Not ready to disconnect from each other yet, they wrap their arms around each other again. They can feel each others heart beating frantically as they tighten their arms overwhelmed with emotion. Smiling Rayna turns back to the audience, overwhelmed Deacon uses this opportunity to leave the stage. Sensing the loss of her soul mate, Rayna watches as he leaves her alone on stage, with a voice croaking with emotion "Deacon Claybourne."

The rest of the night passes in a blur for Rayna and the girls. Looking around at the after party, Rayna searches for Deacon. She needed to talk to him. She can still feel his arms around her, both of them shaking with the enormous emotional wave that crashed over them. Finally finding Maddie, Rayna asks her daughter if she had seen her dad. Shaking her head, Maddie notices the hurt look over her mom's face. She quickly gathers her stuff up and gets Daphne, she can tell that her mom needed to get out of here and find Deacon.

On the drive home, Maddie stole a quick glace at her mom. Even thought she was trying to put on a happy face, Maddie could see the immense sadness that had settled on her. The excitement of the evening had tired Daphne out and she headed up to bed straight away. Even though Maddie was exhausted, she wanted to make sure her mom was ok. Finding her mom starring at the photo of all four of them, her eyes glistening with tears, Maddie sides up next to her and hugs her.

"He probably had a good reason to leave like that."

Laughing through her tears, Rayna brushes Maddie's hair back off her face and kisses her forehead. "Oh sweet girl…Thank you. It's late, you should go to bed." Seeing Maddie's concerned look, "I'll be ok. This is just what it's like between us…I love you"

"I love you too mom and I'm so proud of you" Maddie gives her mom one last tight hug before heading off to bed.

* * *

 

Rayna's fury had abated somewhat on the drive up to the cabin, though that was more do to with the distance rather than forgiveness. Sitting in her car she took a couple of calming breaths before she got out and headed up to confront Deacon.

*** All rights to the songs mentioned belong to the wonderfully talented writers and ABC


	9. chapter 9

This was written before I had watched Season 3 episode 16. Its what l imagined could happen when Rayna confronts Deacon about his behaviour. As with all chapters l have taken liberties with the timeline. I've tried to stay true to the show, but every now and then l have tweaked things to fit in with my story.

* * *

 

Deacon didn't even have to look up to see who was trying to get in. He knew that she would find him, she always could. He also knew that she would be pissed off at him, especially after the way he just up and left her last night.

Closing the door behind her, Rayna looked over at Deacon standing in the kitchen

"I called you like 50 times." Pushing herself off the door, she walks slowly but purposely towards Deacon.

"Rayna I…"

Her voice full of hurt and accompanied with a disbelieving laugh "Cause you know… I will tell you what…you leaving like that…hurts. Its hurts as bad as it did the first time you ever did it…and I know we skipped a few steps here but … " Rayna's voice is now thick with emotion as she pleads,"Babe, please don't leave me anymore."

"Rayna, I'm sick"

"Please don't say that, you can do this, you…"

Cutting her off, and staring ahead Deacon firmly restates "IM SICK Rayna, I've got cancer…ok."

Confusion written over her face as she tries to make sense of what Deacon is saying, "What?"

"I've got cirrhosis of the liver and it went undiagnosed and it turned to cancer. All those times you said my drinking was going to kill me, you were right. I got six months, I'm on a transplant list and if I don't get…" anything further he was going to say is prevented by the slap Rayna lays across is face.

Watching her crumble as she reaches out to him, breaks his heart all over again. Wrapping his arms tightly around her, he whispers "I'm sorry." He continues to say sorry as he strokes her hair, Rayna silently cries as she wraps her arms further around him, squeezing him so tightly that he is gasping for air. Just as he is about to tell her to loosen her grip, he feels her weight drop causing them both to fall to the ground.

Pushing her face under his chin, Rayna's tears flow freely down her face and dampening his shirt. She is now sitting aside his lap and her arms, though they have lessen their grip, are still firmly wrapped around him and her fingers are scratching at his back like she trying to crawl inside him. Deacon lays kisses on her forehead and slowly rocks them as he makes soothing noises.

* * *

 

Some time later, Rayna's tears have dried up and she is making small hiccups. Looking up into his eyes, she caresses his cheek making her way down to his lips. Tracing them with a touch of familiarity based in love, she whispers "Tell me…" Shivering from her tender touch, Deacon gives her an Eskimo kiss as he made to move off the floor. Holding his hand out to Rayna, he pulls her up off the ground.

"How about you go sit outside and I will bring out some tea" Holding up a hand to prevent further protest "and then I will tell you whatever you want to know". Softening the abruptness with a smile, Deacon pushes Rayna in the direction of the door.

Sitting on the steps looking out over the lake, Rayna is soothed by her surroundings. Her mind was still trying to catch up with what Deacon had told her. She had so many questions but every time she tried to formulate them in her mind, "I've got 6 months" came screaming to the front preventing her from thinking of anything else.

Hearing Deacon behind her, she turns with tears in her eyes to watch him juggling the two mugs as he sat down next to her. The solid warmth of his thigh flush against hers is reassuring. Leaning further into him she rests her head on his shoulder. Silently passing the mug of tea over to her, Deacon clears his throat before asking "What do you want to know?"

With a voice raw from crying so hard, Rayna whispers "Everything. If we are going to fight this I want to know everything. Start from the beginning."

Deacon was afraid she would ask that. Rayna would feel guilty once she found out that he had known about the cancer since the night she called the wedding off. Hesitantly he begins to tell Rayna about the cancer. She sat there silently, only interrupting when she needed further details. By the time he had finished both their teas had turned cold, untouched by them both. Putting her mug down, Rayna wraps her hand around his and whispers "We will fight this". Tightening his grip on her hand, Deacon clears his throat and releases her hand as he stands. He needed some space between them for the next part. He had to make Rayna understand that he wasn't going to drag her into this battle. She had fought so many battles for him in the past, but he did this to himself and he will fight it on his own.

"Rayna, no! I won't let you. You have wasted so many years looking after me and I'm not going to let you do it this time. I did this to myself….this is my fault, I deserve this and I won't let you put your life on hold for me again." Deacon paces in front of Rayna avoiding her eyes. He doesn't need to look at her to know that her eyes would be full of anger at him, but he wasn't going to weaken. If this was the one last thing he could do for her and the girls, he needed to be strong.

"What are you talking about Deacon? You can't keep me out. You can't tell me you are sick and then push me away." Rayna was now standing in front of Deacon with her hands on her hips, eyes throwing flames in his direction. "I LOVE YOU and I refuse to let you push me away."

"NO RAY, I WONT LET YOU. If you force me, I will leave. You will not waste your life watching me die. I refuse to let you stay with me out of pity. You deserve happiness in your life, and I have robbed you of enough of that over the years. Please Ray…" Deacon whispers as tears run down his face, "Please allow me this one last wish. I don't want you or the girls to see me like that at the end….please promise me you won't fight me on this."

Rayna stops cold in front on him, a look of horror on her face when she realises that Deacon had given up fighting already. Her eyes flicker back and forward as she tries to read his face, hoping that she heard incorrectly. But his face was determined, he had accepted his fate. "No" she mouths, "No" faintly, so faint that Deacon could only see her mouth moving, "No Deacon….NO….NO" She turns and walks back into the house. Yelling back at him "NO"

Deacon turns his back on her the cabin and stares out over the lake. He could hear her moving around inside, but he refused to go to her. He had to remain strong, this was his final struggle, but he had to resist the urge to allow Rayna to comfort him. It would be so easy to allow her to share some of the burden but he couldn't do that to her again.

Hearing her steps coming down the stairs, he turns his eyes towards her. "Deacon, you once tried to convince me to make the right decision, but I foolishly went against all my instincts and I won't make that mistake again. I choose you. I will continue choosing you. I love you, I have loved you since I first saw you and I will love you till the day I die. I refuse to let you give up on yourself, on me and on our girls." Smiling gently at Rayna and her heartfelt plead, Deacon reached out and tucks a stray strand of hair behind her ears. "Ray…"

"No Deacon, save it…"Holding up a hand to prevent further argument "I don't want to hear it." Reaching out for both of his hands, Rayna kisses his ring finger. "Deacon, please fight for us" Looking up into his eyes, her own bristling with tears, "Please…. You and me, Deacon. That's how it's supposed to be. You know that. It's Maddie, and Daphne, you and me" Kissing he's inner wrist, Rayna closes his hand around a gift that he has been trying to give her over the years. Reaching up she traces her fingers across his cheek and threads her fingers through his hair, pulling him closer she kisses him softly with all the love she feels for him behind it.

Turning quickly away from him, she walks back into the house to grab her stuff and heads out to her car. Tears are streaming down her face and the sobs trapped in her throat finally have been given a voice. Deacon watches as the love of his life walks out of his life. His hand tightens around the ring she had slide into his palm, the same ring he had given back to her when he pleaded with her to marry him.

* * *

 

Rayna cries the entire drive home. The drive which should taken one hour, takes two due to the fact she had to keep pulling over due to being unable to see the road ahead of her. Turning into her driveway, she halts the car so that she can pull herself together. Though they didn't discuss it, she knows that Deacon wouldn't want her to say anything to the girls. Looking in the mirror, Rayna shakes her head in disgust knowing that there is no way that the girls wouldn't notice her swollen red eyes. Hopefully they will put it down to her and Deacon having a huge fight. Gathering up all the strength she can manage, Rayna steers the car towards the house.

Maddie notices straight away that something is wrong. Judging from her mom's eyes, she had been crying and she assumes it has something to do with her dad. Silently she walks over and hugs her "It will be ok mom." Rayna smiles sadly at her eldest daughter.

"Why don't you order pizza. I'm going to go and have a quick shower and we can all bunker down on the couch, eat pizza and watch sad movies" Smiling at her mom's attempt to pretend everything was fine,

"Sure mom."

* * *

 

"MOM, pizza will be here in 30mins." Maddie screams up the stairs.

Rayna shuts her bedroom door before allowing the tears to escape again. Quickly making her way into the bathroom, she bursts in before the first howl erupts out of her. Crumpling down on the floor she allows all the bottled up emotions to flow out of her and she screams at the injustice at it all.

It wasn't fair, they were finally able to have the happiness they deserve and fate hands them this. Punching her fists into the cold tiles she lies there cursing at the choices she made in her life, cursing Deacon for not fighting and cursing God for everything else. Curled up in a ball with small shuddering hiccups and dried tear tracks on her face, Rayna takes one large breath as she drags herself up and puts her exhausted body under the steaming spray of the shower.

Dressed in an old pair of sweats and one of Deacon's old flannel shirts Rayna heads back downstairs into the kitchen. Hearing the door bell she grabs her wallet, just as the girls come screaming into the room. Turning back to yell at the girls to get the napkins and head into the living room, she opens the door. Assuming it's the pizza delivery boy, she is shocked when she is forcefully pushed backwards against the opened door. Dropping her wallet, hearing the coins scatter over the floor she feels familiar arms pulls her forward while at the same time grounding her firmly against the door.

Firm but soft lips press against hers, and the welcoming aroma that was Deacon tickles her senses. Pressing back against him, she tangles her hands into his hair, pulling him closer as she opens her mouth against his demanding tongue. With their bodies pressed so firmly together, making it hard to tell where one stops and the other begins their kisses quickly escalate, as they frantically try to convey their love to each other. Lost completely in each other, the clearing of a throat brings reality bursting back.

With eyes dazed with passion, they turn together to see an embarrassed pizza guy standing on the step. Before they can look ashamed, a voice from inside the house asks "Guess that means Deacon is staying for dinner?"

Turning to look at the voice, they see Maddie and Daphne standing there looking at them with the biggest grins covering their faces. Turning to look into each others eyes, their breathing still unsteady, their foreheads touching, they smile at each other. Deacon kisses the tip of Rayna's nose as she beams a smile full of love back at him,

"Ye, he's staying."

Keeping his eyes on Rayna he slowly brings his lips to hers, caressing her lips with his as he whispers

"Ye, I'm staying."

 


	10. chapter 10

This is a little bit of a fluff chapter with a slight adult content... l am still trying to figure out the direction l want to go with the cancer storyline, until then enjoy.

* * *

 

Looking over as the credits rolled for the 'Wizard of Oz', Rayna smiles seeing Daphne and Maddie leaning against each other in a deep sleep. Snuggling up against Deacon, she brings their entwined hands up and kisses his fingers. She senses his smile against her hair. It still seems new to her, that they were sitting here as a couple. She was afraid that she would wake and find that her mind had played a horrible trick on her. It was this fear that made Rayna cling to Deacon all night. She normally wasn't an outwardly affectionate person, she didn't need her hand held nor did she feel the need to show public displays of affection. Tonight however, any chance she got she touched Deacon. More to confirm to herself that it was real, that he was there with her and not a dream, also to reassure herself that the cancer hadn't taken him away from her.

Twisting onto her side, Rayna wraps her arm around his middle and snakes her leg between his, while pushing her face further into his neck. Breathing in his unique scent, she places kisses on his neck and slowly makes her way up to his ear. Her lips gently caressing his ear as she whispers softly, "Thank you, for choosing us".

Nibbling along his jaw line and peppering soft kisses along the way, Rayna hovers millimetres above Deacon's lips. Looking into his blue eyes, dark with passion Deacon's breath catches as Rayna slowly lowers her lips to his, her warm breath tickling the sensitive skin of his lips.

Her kiss is painfully soft, as her lips part to allow her tongue to wet his lips before darting back. Deliberately moving slowly, Rayna's lips retreat from his before returning to claim them again. Trapping his lower lip between her teeth, gently biting down and then soothing his lip with her tongue Rayna transfers her weight so that she is lying almost completely on top of him. Deacon's arms wrapped firmly around her as his hands roamed up and down her back, before cupping her buttocks. He squeezes and caresses her butt, relishing the fact that she was pressing her body firmly against his. A moan, deep from within him is matched by a murmur from Rayna. Their breathing becomes more rapid and they both make small groans of pleasure as their kisses deepen.

A sleep induced snuffle from behind them cause their lips to separate and they both struggle to get their breathing under control. Pressing their foreheads together, they both have matching, self-conscious smiles on their faces. Rayna reluctantly pushes herself off Deacon, sitting next to him she pushes her hands through her hair trying to get her racing heart to calm down before she woke the girls. Glancing over at Deacon, her eyes twinkle as she notices the sheepish grin on his face. Her thumb reaches out and traces the fading bite mark on his bottom lip, her pupils dilate when he purses his lips and kisses her thumb.

Clearing her throat, she turns her attention towards her daughters fast asleep on the couch. Pushing herself up and away from Deacon, she makes her way across to them. Gently shaking Maddie to wake her, Rayna softly whispers

"Come on sweetheart, time to go to bed."

Maddie murmurs a response as she flops over onto her stomach before pushing up off the couch. With her eyes barely open, she hugs her mom and kisses her on the cheek "Night".

Making her way on unsteady feet to Deacon, she kisses him goodnight and tightly hugs him "See ya in the morning Dad."

Deacon's eyes mist over, hearing his daughter acceptance of his presence in her mother's life. Watching her make her way towards the stairs Deacon smiles at how amazing his daughter was. She had such a sensitive and caring nature, he really was a lucky man to not only have her in his life, but also to have the ball of sunshine that was her sister. Turning towards Rayna, he suffocates a laugh that was threatening to bubble up. Seeing Daphne's little face scrunched up against Rayna's pleading for her to wake up reminds him so much of Rayna's morning face. Moving next to a hunched over Rayna, he runs his hand up her back and whispers in her ear.

"Let me."

Suppressing a shiver, Rayna steps aside as she watches Deacon slide his arms under Daphne and lifts her to carry her up to bed. Stopping at the bottom of the stairs, Deacon looks back at Rayna and gives her a smile basked in complete happiness.

* * *

 

After making sure both girls were sleeping soundly, Deacon makes his way back downstairs. Leaning against the kitchen wall, he watches as Rayna picks up the remnants of family night. The girls were so happy that their mother and himself had finally worked out their differences. After they had gotten over their embarrassment of being caught making out by not only the pizza guy, but their kids, Deacon and Rayna had confirmed their excitable demands. Maddie hugged him so tightly, as Daphne danced around them shouting "yes, yes, yes."

Smiling to himself Deacon was amazed at how easily the girls took the news. He had known for a while that Maddie had been angling to get her parents together so her reaction wasn't a surprise. Daphne however had embraced Luke more fully than Maddie, and was genuinely heartbroken when the wedding was called off. Deacon was expecting a little bit of hesitation on her behalf but being the sweet child that she was, she seemed even more excited that Maddie…if that was possible.

"Babe?" snapped out of his pondering Deacon smiles over to Rayna, who was standing at the kitchen bench with a quizzical expression on her face.

"Sorry, just thinking about how amazing those girls are. I mean…" running his hands through his hair, he pushed himself off the wall and walked slowly towards Rayna "… their reaction tonight to us. Wow! They didn't question it, they just welcomed me in."

Smiling at his words, Rayna continued to tidy the kitchen up, "Well babe, you have been in their lives since they were born."

Leaning his elbows on the island bench, Deacon looked up at Rayna as she stood next to him, watching as she popped some leftover M&Ms from movie night into her mouth. "Ye, but I was Uncle Deacon. Then Maddie's dad and the brief time when we were together...I nearly killed you. Those girls have every reason to hate me, but they just opened their loving arms and welcomed me in."

Nudging him with her hip and giving him a lopsided grin, "what you forget is that they love you, and they want to see you happy…They also want to see their momma happy. And guess what? It's you...you make me happy. I think those two knew before I was ready to admit it to myself, especially Maddie. She is too damn perceptive for her own good sometimes."

"Hmm, ye guess you're right"

Snorting at his response, Rayna gently pushes him and states in a disbelieving tone, "when am I ever wrong?"

Stumbling a bit, resulting from her pushing him off the bench, Deacon's eyes twinkle as he turns back to a smug looking Rayna. Leaning back on the bench, Rayna crosses her arms across her chest as she dares Deacon to challenge her. Standing in front of her, Deacon leans forward placing his arms either side of her. Tracing her lips with his eyes, he slowly lowers himself towards her. Closing her eyes in anticipation of his sweet kiss, she can feel his warm breathe on her lips. A shiver starting in her toes runs through her body, quivering with expected delight, Rayna wets her lips as she feels her skin tingling at his closeness. The warmth from his body pressed against her caused her breath to catch in the back of her throat.

Confusion, mixed with arousal, showed on her face as she struggled to comprehend the sudden loss of his body against hers. Opening her eyes slowly, she was greeted with the sight of Deacon looking pleased with himself as he placed a chocolate in his mouth. Slapping his chest, "that's just mean Deacon." Laughing at her frustration, Deacon leaned towards her as he whispered "never wrong Rayna?"

Opening her eyes widely, "come on now, you know I'm rarely…"

"Wrong? Sure Ray."

Laughing softly, Rayna wraps her arms around his back as she pulls him towards her. "Well…maybe once or twice I might have been known to be wrong."

Placing his arms on the bench either side of her again, Deacon smirks at her as he nods in agreement. Rayna kissing him softly prevents any further discussion. Punctuating each word with a gentle kiss Deacon exclaims

"Ray I should go."

Murmuring her protest, Rayna pulls him more firmly against her, "no, stay."

"I cant, I have to go." Blinking in disbelief at him, her eyes ask the question, "why?"

"All my medication is at home, and it's not good for anyone if I miss any dose. Besides, I want to woo you."

Snorting against his shoulder, Rayna laughs at him. "Woo me?"

"Ye, woo you. I want to wine and dine you. Take you out on a date, do all that stuff that we missed out on" Caressing his face, Rayna is touched that he wants to sweep her off her feet. "Babe, I'm wooed. You have wooed me, you wooed me 20 years ago, consider me wooed"

Gently tugging a strand of her hair, "I know, but wouldn't it be nice to just pretend for a while…to go out on a first date…to…I don't know, do whatever 'normal' people do."

Nuzzling against his neck, Rayna nods her agreement, "hmm, ye I guess." She is quiet for a while, enjoying the closeness between them. "It would be good to keep this under wraps for a while. God knows, I don't want the media to know about us, to turn it into another circus. I want this to be just us... the way it should be."

Pulling her more firmly into his embrace, Deacon nods. Cupping her head in his large hands, he tips her face upwards and their eyes speak of the depth of their love. Deacon places a soft kiss on her lips as his thumbs caress her temples.

"See you in the morning for breakfast" with a final kiss on her tingling lips, Deacon releases Rayna and reluctantly makes his way out the door. Rayna takes a shaky breath, leaning back against the bench as her trembling body lamented the loss of him.

Making her way up the stairs, turning lights off as she went, Rayna senses were humming in anticipation of seeing him in the morning. After so many years of denying the way her body responded whenever he was around, it was a novelty to Rayna that she was finally able to openly feel this way.

 


End file.
